Intoxicated

"I would destroy myself to fix you."

Some people understand that pain is inevitable. Even so, they learn quick not to stay longer than they should because they don't want to destroy themselves. And me? I find it hard to run. I've forgotten what it's like to be destroyed. Maybe because I've always been destroyed that it has become a part of me. It's like you're breathing underwater, while watching everyone breathe around you on the other side of the glass. And they thought you're okay when deep down everything has crushed. 

"And I can't get high enough to forget that you don't want me."

Several times I tried to forget what it feels like to love her, to own her, but memories are what keep coming back to me. I do stupid things, careless shits, ignoring my own health just to draw my attention away from her. Eventually, those sweet moments between us just won't die. It's hard to die when it is, at the same time, my source of staying alive living. Thinking back, what's the point of me doing all those reckless shit? But I might as well do it again. Without any regrets. 

"How could I possibly get rid of what makes me sad when that's the only thing that made me happy?"

 Yeah I know, I'm hurting myself. But what choice do I have? If gaining a momentary happiness need to be bought by a lifetime of pain, I'd rather take that chance than feeling nothing at all...

"Because it's my favorite kind of pain."