Intoxicated

"I would destroy myself to fix you."

Some people understand that pain is inevitable. Even so, they learn quick not to stay longer than they should because they don't want to destroy themselves. And me? I find it hard to run. I've forgotten what it's like to be destroyed. Maybe because I've always been destroyed that it has become a part of me. It's like you're breathing underwater, while watching everyone breathe around you on the other side of the glass. And they thought you're okay when deep down everything has crushed. 

"And I can't get high enough to forget that you don't want me."

Several times I tried to forget what it feels like to love her, to own her, but memories are what keep coming back to me. I do stupid things, careless shits, ignoring my own health just to draw my attention away from her. Eventually, those sweet moments between us just won't die. It's hard to die when it is, at the same time, my source of staying alive living. Thinking back, what's the point of me doing all those reckless shit? But I might as well do it again. Without any regrets. 

"How could I possibly get rid of what makes me sad when that's the only thing that made me happy?"

 Yeah I know, I'm hurting myself. But what choice do I have? If gaining a momentary happiness need to be bought by a lifetime of pain, I'd rather take that chance than feeling nothing at all...

"Because it's my favorite kind of pain."

Breaking The Walls

"You got to learn to appreciate people to have people appreciates you."

I thought life as an unfair creation from God given down to us. Because no matter how fair you try to be, the world seems to not care for what you think nor your pure intention. And no matter how loyal you hold to that someone, that someone seems to not treasures you at all. Nobody truly live for someone else. Everyone live for their own sake...don't they?

   "Hey, look at the bright side..."

Indeed. I found those people who really could be called 'family'. Who live up for others. Who won't disappoint you and will always back you up. Those people I never thought would mean something to me. And here I am with them, a part of them. When I said I refuses to understand that there are people who could save me, maybe this time I should give a chance. For them, for myself. Of course, it won't heal that fast. But sometimes, maybe I need a little rest from all those suffocation.

Because this wound will never mend.

I want to break free. Although I know I wasn't really breaking free, I just force pausing the time of my suffering. I need a closure, but what kind of closure can I have? Because I see none. So I'll take this path; blurring laughter to hide my sadness, faking smile to hide my loneliness.

And that is how it will be...

White Lies

"Sometimes you gotta pretend you were okay. Because if you don't, you won't be alive today."

We are all hiding. Tell me, who wants to show how grieved they were, how sad their soul is? It's one's pride to stand tall on their feet. Tho not everyone could prevent suicidal, still, one must learn how to control this misery. I hide a lot. I ran from the reality that there are things or people out there that can save me, break me free from my dark prison.

   "You could just accept everything and move on."
   "If accepting is easy then I won't hurt this much to move on would I?"

Sometimes I don't get it. Why is it so hard to let go when I knew that my wait is for nothing in return? I had to force a smile so that no one notices. I had to play the bright character just to hide how fading myself is. Truth is, it sucks. It's sad being like this. And I sympathized myself...

"But that's how it was. Because I have the tendency to love what breaks me..."

And it kills me every time... I admit, there are moments where I think of nothing but suicide. And by hurting myself physically to forget how painful it was emotionally. I am, mentally insane. Mentally gone wrong. We all should love ourselves more, shouldn't we?

"Then again, maybe this is how I love myself..." 

 

I'm Tired...

"I wish there are ways to tell how much it hurts. It has to be, to speak out without re-opening the wounds. To cry without re-inviting back the pain."

But it has already hurt this much. How can there possibly be ways to open up everything and speak so casually? It's funny how sometimes I wondered why am I even in love. What is love? What is it to be truly loved? You thought everything is going to be good. You and her, your future. It's what you've been planning to do ever since you met her. Her eyes changes everything in you. That sparks ignited in you was never meant to burn out. Yes, she is everything to you. Your possible happiness that will guide you and walk by you until "Only death do us part". But hey...what is this noise...what is this shattering voice...? It comes from within...should I ignore? It won't stop...and it keeps getting louder...I wish I could run from it.

But how can I? 

It's tearing me apart. I can hear it, it's my own heart. For so long has it suffers, yet I could not run from it. I have guts, I have what it takes to leave this pain. But what will be given to me if I give up that fast?

  "It's not giving up. It's called moving on."

I'm not ready to lose what won't return to me. I resist to understand how much this suffering breaks me. For as long as I still could talk to her, and as long as I heard from her...

  "But you're hurting me..."

I know. I'm fighting myself. My heart refuses to comply to my brain. I'm so keen to listen to what my desire wants that I forgot to think wisely. And maybe, I think, I'm probably slowly going insane.

But hey...isn't that what makes us feel alive?