I'm Tired...

"I wish there are ways to tell how much it hurts. It has to be, to speak out without re-opening the wounds. To cry without re-inviting back the pain."

But it has already hurt this much. How can there possibly be ways to open up everything and speak so casually? It's funny how sometimes I wondered why am I even in love. What is love? What is it to be truly loved? You thought everything is going to be good. You and her, your future. It's what you've been planning to do ever since you met her. Her eyes changes everything in you. That sparks ignited in you was never meant to burn out. Yes, she is everything to you. Your possible happiness that will guide you and walk by you until "Only death do us part". But hey...what is this noise...what is this shattering voice...? It comes from within...should I ignore? It won't stop...and it keeps getting louder...I wish I could run from it.

But how can I? 

It's tearing me apart. I can hear it, it's my own heart. For so long has it suffers, yet I could not run from it. I have guts, I have what it takes to leave this pain. But what will be given to me if I give up that fast?

  "It's not giving up. It's called moving on."

I'm not ready to lose what won't return to me. I resist to understand how much this suffering breaks me. For as long as I still could talk to her, and as long as I heard from her...

  "But you're hurting me..."

I know. I'm fighting myself. My heart refuses to comply to my brain. I'm so keen to listen to what my desire wants that I forgot to think wisely. And maybe, I think, I'm probably slowly going insane.

But hey...isn't that what makes us feel alive?